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A Row at the Ruggles' 



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No, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 



A Row at the Ruggles' 

A Farce in One Act 



By 
HAROLD HALE V^^^ 

Author of " The Blundering Mr. Brown^' " The 
Sentimental Sarahs^'* etc. 



d >. 



W^Sj^ 



NOTICE TO PROFESSIONALS 



This play is published for amateurs only. Professional companies are 
forbidden the use of it in any form or under any title, without the consent 
of the author, who may be addressed in care of the publishers. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO, 

1911 



^^'-i^' 

^(\\ 



A Row at the Ruggles' 



CHARACTERS 



Mrs. John Ruggles, the bride. 

Miss Claribel Brown, a frie?id of the bride. 

Miss Sadie Ford, a friend of the bride. 

Mrs. Hadley, still another friend of the bride. 

Maid. 

Mr. John Ruggles, the bridegroom. 

Bell-boy. 

Scene.— A room in the bridal suite of the Sinton Hotel. 
Time. — Afternoon. 



O^- ^H^ 



^■^ 




Copyright, 1910, by C. N. Moller 

As author a?id proprietor 

All rights reserved 

©CID ^2yi5 



A Row at the Ruggles' 



SCENE. — A room in the bridal suite of the Siiiton Hotel, 
Cincinnati, c. entrance in flat cojinects with hall. Tele- 
phone on wall side of c. entrance. Efitrance to bed- 
room, L. Table l. Sofa r. 

(Mrs. Clara Ruggles discovered lying on sofa.') 

Efiter Maid, softly, from l. She tiptoes to where she can 
observe if Mrs. R. is sleeping. Mrs. R. stirs and looks 
up. 

Maid. Pardon me ; I am so sorry if I disturbed you. 

Mrs. R. I was not asleep. My head aches too badly for 
me to sleep. I am so very nervous. {She sits i/p and presses 
her hand to her head.) Have you shaken out my clothes and 
hung them in the dressing-room and the closet ? 

Maid. Yes, Mrs. Ruggles. 

Mrs. R. I suppose that they were badly mussed. 

Maid. I have sent some of the things to be pressed, but 
one of your dresses was slightly stained with wedding cake. 
One box was open. 

Mrs. R. Oh, dear me, I thought something would happen. 

Maid. I beg your pardon, but you have a most lovely trous- 
seau, and please can 1 have one of those boxes of wedding 
cake to dream on ? 

Mrs. R. Certainly. {Telephone rings.) Please answer 
the 'phone. (Maid goes to 'phone.) 

Maid. Yes, sir Yes, sir I am the maid, sir. {To 

Mrs. R.) Your husband is talking and wants to know if he 
would disturb you if he came up to see you a moment ? 

Mrs. R. Tell the dear patient man to come right up, and 
that I am feeling better. 

Maid {through 'phone). Mrs. Ruggles is feeling better and 
hopes that you will come right up and see her. 



4 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

Mrs. R. (j'ising unsteadily to her feet '). How do I look? 

Maid. Altogether too pale and shaky-like for a bride. 

Mrs. R. {striving to gain more self-control^. John must 
not see me this way. {She goes to the table, opens her hand- 
bag and takes out some powder afid rouge. With the Maid's 
help she fixes up.) How do I look now ? 

Maid. Oh, much better, very much. Pardon me, I should 
say quite pretty. 

{J^nocking at door c. Maid goes and opens it and goes 
out as Mr. John Ruggles enters.') 

Mr. R. (tenderly). I have been very anxious about you, 
dearest. (Kisses her.) 1 think, however, that you look much 
better. You have more color in your cheeks. I wish you 
would permit me to call a physician. 

Mrs. R. My dear John, believe me, it is quite unneces- 
sary. I have nothing but a tired headache. We have been 
traveling rapidly and I was all worn out before the wedding. 

Mr. R. As usual, the bride is the victim of inconsiderate 
friends. Like a perfect brute, I never thought of overtaxing 
your strength when I planned the wedding trip. Please lie 
down. 

(^He leads her toward the sofa but she sits in a chair saying 
pettishly.) 

Mrs. R. I'll sit here. I will not give in to my feelings in 
this way. I never was quite so nervous in all my life. I hope 
that you will not think that you have married a woman with 
chronic neurasthenia. 

Mr. R. To me you are absolutely and utterly and com: 
pletely the finest woman in the whole world. 

Mrs. R. I hope that you may always be the victim of that 
fond delusion. {She rises and lies down on the sofa and 
Mr. R. walks up a?id down chewing something.) I think ])er- 
haps I had better lie down, I feel so queer and dizzy. 

(Mr. R. stops suddenly in his walk and exclaims so loudly 
that Mrs. R. jumps to her feet in terror.) 

Mr. R. Jumping Jimminy Crickets ! 
Mrs. R. What on earth is the matter? 
Mr. R. Pardon me, dear Clara, but I just happened to 
think that the clerk handed me a telegram this morning. 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES* ' C 

Urs. R. {setninc; hack on the sofa). I don't think that you 
are justified in scaring me half to death if he did. 

jNIr. R. My dear, it was very thoughtless of me to so for- 
get myself. 

Mrs. R. Who sent the telegram ? Did you read it ? Is it 
bad news? {Anxiously.) 

Mr. R. Don't alarm yourself. It was a nice message from 
your mother and it was addressed to us both and so I opened 

(Mr. R. pats his various pockets and pulls out his handker- 
chief and some rice drops on the floor.) 

Mrs. R. {-cvith a fai?it smile). What, more rice, John ? 

Mr. R. Of course it's rice. I keep on finding it, but I lose 
other things in a most unaccountable way. I suppose that 
love is the mischief maker. 

{He laughs and kisses his wife as she rises and sits in a 
chair.) 

Mrs. R. Don't be foolish, John. I want very much to 
know what mother has to say. You are sure that all is well at 
home ? 

Mr. R. Oh, everything is all right. {He stops searchi?ig.) 
I was at the clerk's desk this morning. I took out some small 
change to pay for stamps and some rice was mixed up with the 
money. ^ The clerk grinned like a chimpanzee and asked me 
if I was in the grain business or the matrimonial business. 

Mrs. R. I would not call that either polite or humorous. 

Mr. R. I just glared at him and replied stingfully, I am in 
my own private business. It was the quickest way of shutting 
him up. 

Mrs. R. Do you flatter yourself that you did ? 

Mr. R. It will not be pleasant for him if I find him talking. 
I don't want him telling everybody we've just been married. 
The servants would all expect extra fees, and the guests of 
the hotel would make personal remarks. 

Mrs. R. I am awfully proud of being just married and 
having such a handsome husband. 

Mr. R. Clara, you know that I am not handsome by any 
means. 

Mrs. R. Oh, most modest John, you are just fishing, but I 
won't bit^. I am so happy because I'm married that I intend 



6 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES' 

to shake rice out of my hat every morning at the breakfast- 
table. 

Mr. R. Oh, Clara, for heaven's sake — don't. If you have 
any respect for my feeUngs you will disguise the fact. Last 
night when we got home from the theatre you adjusted my tie 
right there in front of the clerk's desk, and this morning, when 
we were going through the lobby, you leaned against me so 
closely that 1 thought you were going to actually kiss me. 
People are already beginning to smile and wink as we pass by. 
I can't stand it much longer. 

Mrs. R. Oh, John, it's a shame that you are treated so by 
your sentimental little wifey. 

Mr. R. I have no hopes of moderating your attentions in 
public. Don't think that for a minute. I'll just have to grin 
and bear it, I suppose. {^He begins to look for telegram.) I 
do believe that I have misplaced that telegram. 

Mrs. R. I know what that means. You have lost it. 

Mr. R. I have had such a buzzing in my head lately that 
I cannot remember things. I forget where my watch-pocket is 
and lose handkerchiefs and pencils in a most extravagant fashion. 

Mrs. R. Never mind handkerchiefs and pencils. Put on 
your hat and go down 

Mr. R. (excitedly). My hat, that's it; my hat, — where is 
my hat ? 

(He rushes about the room looki?ig on table and sofa and 
under chairs, etc. His wife quietly takes it off the back 
of a chair and hands it to him. He looks beneath the 
sweat-band afid draws out the telegram.) 

Mrs. R. a hat pin would make a fine letter-file for a man 
like you. I am glad you found it. 

Mr. R. Not nearly as thankful as I am. It's a sort of 
double one. Your mother say« — ahem — ** Hope you are get- 
ting" — er — "hope you are having a good time and that both 
of you are well. Let me hear from you soon." 

Mrs! R. We are happy, if not quite well ; that is, I am 
not quite well. 

Mr. R. For heaven's sake! don't tell her; I'm sort of all 
in myself. 

Mrs. R. What is the other message ? 

Mr. R. It's from Will, and just nonsense. 

{Throivs it into waste-paper basket. \ 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES " 7 

Mrs. R. I want to read it. {She fislies it out again.) Wliat 
do you suppose he means ? — '* Hope you are enjoying yourself in 
spite of the double handicap. Don't let it spoil your honey- 
moon." 

Mr. R. Don't try to understand. Just forget it. 

Mrs. R. Do you suppose that Will refers to my pledge not 
to use tea and yours not to use tobacco after we were married ? 

Mr. R. (reproachfully). I have made every effort to spare 
you this painful subject, but you insist on bringing it up. 
Will told me that he knew you could not break off your tea 
habit without serious results. 

Mrs. R. 1 would like to know what Will knows about it ? 

Mr. R. He said we would both be nervous wrecks after 
the third day. 

Mrs. R. John, tell me the truth. Who told Will that we 
had taken these pledges ? 

Mr. R. Well, you see 

Mrs. R. Of course you told him. Men can never keep a 
secret. 

Mr. R. It was this way, ray dear. Will gave me two 
boxes of the very finest cigars. They were the kind with an 
aroma like an old rose- jar. 

Mrs. R. {coldly). WHiat of it ? 

Mr. R. Would you have me tell Will that I couldn't ac- 
cept his cigars, and couldn't tell him why because it was a 
secret ? 

Mrs. R. It's just like a man to try to justify himself by 
some foolish remark like that. You might have made some 
excuse, said something indefinite. 

Mr. R. I will not prevaricate; but, Clara, Will said that 
we'd have a mix-up before we were three days out of sight of 
home. 

Mrs. R. What did he mean by a mix-up — a quarrel ? 

Mr. R. Of course. He said that we would not be fit com- 
pany for man or beast. His very words. 

Mrs. R. It was horrid of Will. I am going to write him 
i.n a way that will make him feel a bit conscience-stricken. It 
will be a brief, curt, icy note, but to the point. Where is my 
pencil? {Goes to table.) I'll write it now in my note-book, 
so I will not forget. ( Writes.) " Dear Will : My husband is 
the sweetest-tempered, noblest " 

Mr. R. Oh, Clara, let up 



Mrs. R. ''Sweetest, noblest man that I ever — ever 



8 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES' 

Mr. R. Married. 

Mrs. R. Please don't, John, you distract me. (^Writes.) 
<< Sweetest, noblest man 1 could ever imagine. Day by 
day " 

Mr. R. Please don't spit — I mean wet that pencil so much, 
you make me nervous. 

Mrs. R. "Day by day (^vetting pencil') we are devoted 
to each other more and more, and live in perfect peace and 
happiness. ' ' ( Wets pencil.) 

Mr. R. Please don't. 

Mrs. R. Signed merely, — "Yours truly, Clara Ruggles." 
What do you think of it? 

Mr. R. Of what, dearest ? Oh, the note? Fine, but don't 
lay it on quite so thick ; he might suspect something. 

Mrs. R. What would he have the presumption to suspect? 

Mr. R. That you were trying to put up a big bluff. 

Mrs. R. He surely dare not think such a thing. We'll 
show him what it means for two people to live together abso- 
lutely divorced 



Mr. R. Not divorced, dearest 



Mrs. R. Divorced from the chains of drugs and stimulants. 

Mr. R. Divorced from chains — er — rather peculiar expres- 
sion. 

Mrs. R. {going to him and putting her arm about hint). 
Our love is all we want to make us happy. I have you and 
you have me, and what else is of any value in the wide, wide 
world ? 

Mr. R. I know you mean all right, but it's putting it 
mighty strong. 

(Mr. R. is chewing something 7iervou sly.) 

Mrs. R. John, dear, what are you chewing? 

Mr. R. {rising and going toward the door). Just a little 
something: to distract my mind. 

Mrs. R. But what is it, gum? Don't say it's gum. It's 
almost -as bad as the tobacco habit. 

Mr. R. Why do you chew the end of your pencil and con- 
tinually moisten the other end when you write? 

Mrs. R. Because I'm a woman, I suppose. 

Mr. R. Then I chew this — that I am chewing, because I 
am a man laboring under difficulties. 

Mrs. R. But you haven't answered my quesliun. 

Mr. R. To relieve your most anxious curiosity I would 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES* ' Q 

definitely and precisely declare that I am chewing the muci- 
laginous and aromatic bark of an American tree, known to 
science as ulmus fulva 

Mrs. R. I hope it isn't poisonous. 

Mr. R. To continue after interruption — known to science 
as ulmus fulva 

Mrs. R. You said that before. 

Mr. R. But to the vulgar mind as mere slippery elm. Will 
you have some ? 

Mrs. R. John, what do you do it for? It is quite annoy- 
ing and makes me frightfully nervous. 

Mr. R. I regret that we are only the third day out, and 
yet my small pleasures are irritating to you. 

Mrs. R. Will you stop chewing it to please me? 

Mr. R. In the future, when in your presence, I will hold 
it passively against my right cheek. 

Mrs. R. But you are still chewing it. 

Mr. R. Oh, I'll throw it away at once. 

{He takes it out of his mouth and looks aboJit,) 

Mrs. R. {pettishly). Take care where you throw the nasty 
stuff. 

Mr. R. Do you suppose for a minute that I would chew 
nasty stuff? 

Mrs. R. I merely reply that you told me that you once 
chewed tobacco. 

Mr. R. Pardon me, my dearest wife, but I feel like throw- 
ing it on the confounded floor. 

Mrs. R. John, that is rather a reckless statement. (Mr. R. 
goes to waste basket.) Don't you dare to throw it in there. 
(Mr. R. goes toward the bedroom door, L.) There is no place 
to throw it in there. {She runs to the table, takes his news- 
paper and holds it out at arfn's length.) Put it in this old 
newspaper and I'll burn it up. 

Mr. R. But I have not read it. 

Mrs. R. Never mind. Come, I'm waiting. 

Mr. R. Thank you for your kind consideration ; and to 
show that I respect your wishes, I'll put this nasty stuff back 
in my mouth. {He puts it back.) And I'll take the next 
train for the Chicago Drainage Canal with the intention of 
throwing it into the midst of the turbid stream. 

Mrs. R. I fear that you have been living regardless of 



10 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

hygiene and good order. It is going to be very hard work to 
train you properly. 

Mr. R. Please don't. You cannot learn a dog new tricks 
when he's old, and remember that you haven't taken a boy to 
raise. 

Mrs. R. What have you done with that ? 

Mr. R. I just swallowed it to save car-fare. (^Goes to 
table.') Where is that little note-book about the lovely man 
and the peace and happiness ? I would like to read it. 

Mrs. R. John, you are right. 1 know what you mean. 
Kiss me, John. 

Mr. R. How does your head feel, my dear? 

(^He kisses her.) 

Mrs. R. It is much better, and I'm going to try hard and 
be a better girl. 

(Mr. R. walks to the 7nirror and adjusts his tie.) 

Mr. R. By the way, I went shopping this morning. 

Mrs. R. I am so sorry that I was too ill to go. 

Mr. R. I had to do something to kill time. 

Mrs. R. Of all things on earth for a man to do to kill 
time. I suppose that you bought a pair of socks and a neck- 
tie and a box of candy for me. 

Mr. R. Stupid that I am, I forgot the candy; but I bought 
something that I think will please you very much ; that is, I 
hope it will. 

Mrs. R. I am just dying to know what it is. Is it some- 
thing to wear? 

Mr. R. I am not going to tell you. The boy will deliver 
it this afternoon. 

Mrs. R. Is it ornamental or useful? Tell me, that's a 
dear. 

Mr. R. I am not playing the game of twenty questions to- 
day. Wait until you see it. 

Mrs.^R. But you might give me just a wee bit of a hint. 
How much did it cost? 

Mr. R. {laughing). Twice as much as half what I paid for 
it. {Feels in half a dozen pockets and finds his watch and 
looks at the time.) I am sorry, but I have to see a man for a 
few moments. 

Mrs. R. Oh, what a convenient man. He is always wait- 
ing for men that want an excuse to run away or 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES' ' II 

Mr. R. Take a drink ; is that it ? 

Mrs. R. John — {she goes up to him appealingly) John, 
tell me before you go. 

Mr. R. {musingly). I think you are so pretty when you 
are curious. I never noticed it before. 

Mrs. R. I think you are just horrid. You should have no 
secrets from your wife. 

Enter Bell-boy, c. He gives card to Mrs. R. 

Mrs. R. I thought some of my friends would call. Is it 
not delightful — here are Miss Claribel Brown and Sadie Ford. 
They are people that I used to know in St. Louis. 

Mr. R. Now, Clara, just let me hustle out of the way. I 
think it is raining. Can I borrow your umbrella? 

Mrs. R. Where is yours ? 

Mr. R. In the other room somewhere, or down-stairs in 
the coat room. 

Mrs. R. Or somewhere else. (She goes to corner of room 
and gives him her umbrella.') Please be very careful of it. 
A dear friend gave it to me, and it is a nice silk one. 

Mr. R. I will handle it with the care a mother gives her 
new-born babe. 

Enter Miss Claribel Brown and Miss Sadie Ford, c. 

Mrs. R. So glad to see you both. It was just lovely of 
you to call. {Kisses and warm greetijigs.) I want you to 
meet my husband. Mr. John Ruggles — Miss Claribel Brown 
and Miss Sadie Ford. 

{Bows and hand- shakes.) 

Clar. {gushingly). Delighted to have the good fortune to 
meet you before going out. I think that a bridegroom has 
always a peculiar charm, a most fascinating distinctiveness. 

Mr. R. I was in hopes that I looked like an old married 
man. 

Clar. How absurd. I would pick you out in a crowd 
anywhere as a newly-wed. Wouldn't you, Sadie? 

Sadie. Of course. 

Mr. R. I have sent for the clothes that I wore when I was 
a bachelor, and hope that 

Sadie. No use, I assure you. Is it not perfectly delightful 



11 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

to have a honeymoon in such ideal weather? There has not 
been a cloud in the sky for two weeks. 

Clar. And so unusual in Cincinnati. How long will you 
remain here? 

Mr. R. Until my wife orders me to pack up our luggage 
and go. 

Mrs. R. The dear man tries to be amusing. You don't 
know how difficult it is for me to manage him about the sim- 
plest things. 

Mr. R. It is most embarrassing to be the topic of discus- 
sion. I have been so conspicuous lately that I cannot get over 
the feeling that everybody is looking at me and talking about 
me wherever I go. I regret leaving so abruptly, 

Clar. Your wife will tell you about the dinner we shall 
give you Friday night. 

Mr. R. My affairs are in her hands. \^Bows and exit, C. 

Sadie. Charming man 

Clar. Most interesting face and genial manner. 

Sadie. I hear that he has lots of money, Clara? 

Clar. What did he give you for a wedding gift ? 

Mrs. R. a string of pearls. 

Sadie. How lovely. I suppose that they are very expensive 
ones. 

Clar. I know that he feels that he cannot do enough for 
you. 

Mrs. R. He told me a few moments ago that he bought 
me a fine present this morning. He said that it would be de- 
livered this afternoon, and I can hardly wait for it to come. 
• Sadie. I hope it arrives while we are here. 

Clar. Let's guess what it is. I believe that it will be a 
diamond tiara or a back comb set in rubies or diamonds. 
That's what rich husbands always buy their wives during the 
honeymoon. 

Sadie. And the next year the wife is glad to get a glass-top 
hat pin. Oh, beg your pardon, Clara. Well, I think that he 
bought y^u a pair of plain heavy gold bracelets or a fine ostrich 
plume. Men are so fond of showy things. 

Mrs. R. Do you know he would not even give me a hint 
about it ; but I am sure that it is something very fine and costly, 

Clar. You're in luck, Clara ; I can see that. But he'll 
spoil you, I am sure. He won't let you lift your hand to a thing. 
He is one of those wait-on-you and care-for-you men that are 
always doing too much for their wives. 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES' 1 3 

Mrs. R. You very well know, Claribel Brown, that I am 
naturally industrious. 

Clar. I remember that your brother Will used to say that 
when you were a girl you always declared that when you got 
married you would do your own washing. 

Sadie. Such an unusual ambition, even for a child. 

Mrs. R. He teased me about that same thing on my wed- 
ding day, but I have lost all desire for the wash tub. {Noise 
outside.) There is somebody or 

Clar. I bet it is the present. 

{All three go to the door as Bell-boy e?ifers c.) 

Bell-boy. Your husband told me to give you this, and 
there be two big packages in the freight elevator. 

{He hands her a large white envelope.') 

Mrs. R. {tossing the envelope on the table). I suppose that 
that is the receii)ted bill. I am always glad to know what a 
thing costs. Send those packages right away. 

i^Exit Bell-boy, c. 

Clar. I am so glad that we are just in time*. 

Sadie. It is quite exciting, I am sure. 

Clar. Oh, but I'm curious. 

Mrs. R. What can it be, to be done in such large packages 
that it has to be sent up in the freight elevator ? 

Sadie. It's not a diamond tiara. 

Clar. Or ostrich plumes. 

Mrs. R. Or gold bracelets. But you just wait, girls, •! 
know that it is something that will give you an idea of the fine 
taste and generosity of dear John. 

Clar. How she says " Dear John." {All laugh.) 

{JSfofe. — The dialogue after the Bell-boy's exit to this 
point is only to conceal irnpatience to see what the gift is. 
Girls look out the door now and then, or in other ways 
show their concern in what is coming.) 

Enter two men carrying sofnething on four crude-looki?ig legs. 
It is all shrouded in heavy brown paper and bound with 
heavy string. On top is a small paper package. 
Mrs. R. For heaven's sake ! that don't belong here? 
Man. Yes it do, mum, You be 326. Where shall I 
sit it ? 



14 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

Mrs. R. Drop it anywhere on the floor where it is most 
convenient. No, take it in the dressing-room through this 
way. 

Clar. Now, Clara, you are real mean. We want to see it. 

Mrs. R. Well, put it here anywhere. ( The inen set it in 
the 7)iiddle of the room.) John just sent it up for a joke, I guess. 

(Tries hard to laugh.) 

Sadie. Why don't you open it? 

Mrs. R. {turning away with suspicious moisture in her 
eyes). I don't care to — er — open it now. 

Clar. Give us permission ? 

Mrs. R. {sitting with her back to the object). Oh, yes, if 
it will amuse you. 

Sadie. I have a penknife. 

{She cuts the string and the paper is pulled off hastily re- 
vealing a nice new washitig-niMchine, crank and all. Both 
girls laugh heartily. Sadie turjis the crank and hums a 
tune in imitation of a hand-organ.) 

Clar. Look at this. Talk of modern conveniences and 
portable comforts of married life, why, this is perfection. I 
can see Clara on Monday morning. 

Sadie {turning crank by jerks ^ and 7viping off imaginary 
perspiration). Like this — look, Clara, like this. With a 
string of the pearls of honest sweat about your neck. Look, 
Clara, like this. 

(Mrs. R. will not.) 

Clar. {picking up package on floor). What's this? Another 
gift? {She opens it and out comes a red calico dress, a yelloiu 
dusting- cap and a large red bandana handkerchief.) Will you 
look at this outfit? Talk about taste, Sadie. Do you catch 
the exquisite color mixtures ? A true butterfly motif. A sort 
of straiglil cut skirt with a panier development and broderie 
Anglaise, and yet a touch of dark that is almost de rigueur. 

Sadie (grabbing the dress and holding it in front of her). 
Just fancy the effect against purple hosiery, while Clara is 
hanging clothes in the back yard and the soft summer breezes 
dally with her raiment. 

Clar. {both laughing), I know you don't mind, but this is 
lots of fun. 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES* I5 

Mrs. R. {sarcastically). Of course I — er — don't mind. 
{Wipes her eyes.) 

Sadie. I say, why did he not have it shipped to the place 
you are going to Hve, Clara ? 

Mrs. R. {starting to her feet). Do you suppose for an in- 
stant that I can possibly imagine why that thing came up here? 
{Effort at self-cofitrol.) Girls, I am not well; you will have 
to excuse me. I have been very nervous, you know, lately, 
and any little thing disturbs me very much. 

Sadie. Come, Claribel. We understand, and we are very 
sorry. I hope you did not mind our fun? Don't you care; 
you have a very practical husband, and you can get even by 
making him turn that crank. 

Clar. He'll enjoy that immensely. Good-bye, dear. 

{Kisses her.) 

Sadie. Truly, you did not mind ? I know you didn't. 

{Kisses her.) 

Clar. Good-bye until Friday night at dinner. Six-thirty 
sharp, dearest. [^Exeunt ChPi&. antl Sadie. 

(Mrs. R. loo^s about the room. She picks up the papers and 
string, pulls the washitig-inachine into a corner and covers 
it with the red calico dress. Now and then she ivipes her 
eyes. She has put the papers inside the tub of the tvash- 
ing-machine. She walks up to the fnirror and puts on a 
little powder and a touch of color. This is to shoiv self- 
cofitrol. Mr. R. enters. His hat is dented and he car- 
ries in his hands the sad refnains ^ Mrs, R.'s umbrella. 
There is the stick and a few ribs, with a fragment of the 
cover waving like a signal of distress. Mrs. R. turns 
quickly and sees Mr. R,, and what is left of the umbrella ; 
she ivalks to the other side of the room and turns her back 
to him. Mr. R. watches her with anxiety, and is pluck- 
ing up his courage.) 

Mr. R. Clara, er — Clma, I am awfully sorry, but please 
don't say a word until I have told my story. (Mrs. R. turns 
and gives him one icy stare. Mr, R. shrinks.) I — er — I am 
glad I am alive this moment. I had a narrow escape. Are 
you listening, Clara? Now I want to say in the first place that 



l6 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES' 

I have ordered a new one, and a much better one than this 
ever was. 

Mrs. R. {back to liivi). That was the gift of a dear friend, 
and can never be replaced, never. 

Mr. R. If you are so dead stuck on it, it — er — can be re- 
covered if not replaced entirely. Ahem — Clara Gee 

whittaker ! I can't help it. 

Mrs. R. You are simply hopeless. A crushing revelation. 

Mr. R. Kindly suspend judgment until you hear my tale, 
Clara. {He goes to her and tries to kiss her, Imt she turns 
away each time he makes the effort. He tries to stand before 
her in order to give her the dramatic effect. Holds np shat- 
tered tunbrella.) This umbrella saved my life and the life of a 
young lady. 

Mrs. R. Humph ! 

Mr. R. I was walking down the street behind a finely- 
dressed lady when a big dog jumped upon her and seized her 
most mercilessly. {Gesticulates and changes position to keep 
in front of Mrs. R., who tries not to see hifn.^ His teeth 
gashed and tore — her dress. I rushed to the rescue. Look, 
Clara. {He waves his umbrella in imitation.^ I rushed to 
the rescue — and — and I smashed the big dog over the head — 

and smashed The brute sprang at me and I beat him off. 

He seized the umbrella in his frightful teeth and rent and tore, 
while 1 pulled and — called him hard names. The result — 
grateful young lady — ruined umbrella — hero husband. How's 
that? {Keen anticipation.') 

Mrs. R. {walking aivay haughtily ; coldly). I suppose 
{cruel emphasis) she was very — very — pretty. 

Mr. R. Gee whiz ! What's the matter with you, Clara ? 
You do not seem to be at all proud of me. 

Mrs. R. Did the grateful young lady whose life you saved 
kiss you and ask you to call ? 

{She is before the mirror ^ and puts a little more powder on 

her nose.) 

■* ■' 

Mr. R. Oh, yes, she fell upon my neck and wept. Oh, yes 
{bitterly), yes — nit. 

Mrs. R. Did you suggest that she pay for the umbrella ? 

Mr. R. I have nothing, absolutely nothing more to say. 

Mrs. R. But I have. {She walks to him deliberately and 
firmly fixes him with her eye.) John Henry Ruggles, did 
you tell me the truth ? 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES' 1 7 

Mr. R. How can you question my veracity ? 

Mrs. R. I have known too many men under similar cir- 
cumstances not to tell the truth. Now, John, tell me the truth. 
How did it happen ? 

Mr. R. Well— er 

Mrs. R. No more inventions. (JShe looks him in the eye.) 

Mr. R. Say, but you are clever. I dropped it off a motor 
buss and a wagon ran over it. 

Mrs. R. {ivalking aiuay). I knew you were — er — not tell- 
ing the truth. In the future you will carry your own property. 

Mr. R. I feel awfully humiliated. ( Collapses i?ito a chair.) 
I see my finish. 

Mrs. R. Where is your own umbrella ? 

Mr. R. I wish that I knew. The office boys gave it to me 
for a wedding present. I am awfully worried about it. 

Mrs. R. Don't worry. Was a gold-handled umbrella ever 
found ? 

Mr. R. By Jove ! you're comforting. 

Mrs. R. Where is my comfort ? Look at it. 

{Points to her oivn ruined umbrella.) 

Mr. R. I can't remember where I had it last. I'm losing 
my memory lately. 

Mrs. R. That is more serious than losing an umbrella. 
But losing an umbrella is the most likely thing that could 
happen to a man in your condition. You left your gloves in 
the carriage going to the train and your shirts in a Chicago 
hotel and your hat in the lobby of the dining-room and your 
spring overcoat in the theatre 

Mr. R. But you must not forget, dearest, that I am a 
bridegroom on his honeymoon with a most charming and 
agreeable bride. But I would not lose that umbrella for fifty 
dollars. {He takes off his coat and carries it on his arm.) I 
am going to make a business of hunting for it. 

{He walks about the roo77i and then goes into L. E. He 
reenters without his coat and looks under the sofa.) 

Mrs, R. {going to the table and beginning to write). It 
may be under the rugs or under the bed or on the roof of the 
hotel. (Mr. R. rises slowly to his feet, goes to centre of the 
room and puts his hands in his pockets and stares into space.) 
There you stand without coat or umbrella, poor man. I hope 
that you will not lose any more — or modesty might protest. 



1 8 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES* 

Mr. R. Yes, here I stand defenseless, under the storm of 
my darling bride's pitiless reproaches. Clara — Clara 

Mrs. R. What have you to say, my poor man ? 

Mr. R. Did you receive my gift ? 

Mrs. R. I have been waiting for you to say something 
about {bitterly) my gift. It arrived while my two friends were 
here, and 1 never was so mortified — so humiliated in my life — 
never. 

Mr. R. I certainly don't understand your moods. 

Mrs. R. With all patience and long suffering, I ask you 
why did you buy it? 

Mr. R. Say, but that's rough on me. 

Mrs. R. John, I want to show you how well I can work it. 
{She goes to washing-machine ^ picks up dress and holds it tip.) 
How did you know my waist measure ? It is very beautiful. 

(Mr. R. stares in amazement.) 

Mr. R. What is it ? 

Mrs. R. Now don't pretend that you don't know what it 
is. You must remember that after that story of the mad dog I 
can't believe anything you say, if you fear consequences. 
{Picks up dusting-cap and handkerchief,) All in excellent taste. 
{She grabs his hat off the back of a chair and puts it into was hi fig- 
machine.) Now pretend that this is Monday and I'm at work. 

Mr. R. What are you doing with my hat ? 

Mrs. R. {turning the crafik briskly). Trying your machine. 

Mr. R. What does it do ? 

Mrs. R. This. 

{She holds up his hat all cut to pieces. This hat is pre- 
pared beforehand and the good hat remaifis in the tub 
uninjured.) 

Mr. R. Why, you've ruined it. 

{Grabs it and holds it up.) 

Mrs. R. I was just getting a little inexpressible satisfaction. 
Now you know how I feel about that umbrella. 

Mr. R. Say, Clara, I'll get my other hats if you can find 
any satisfaction grinding them up in that machine. I'll buy a 
dozen hats if they will restore your good-nature. 

Mrs. R. {walking away from machifie and sitting on sofa). 
You need not bother about any more. I will never turn that 
crank again, 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES* - 1 9 

Mr. R. {looking at his hat). I hope not. It costs just five 
dollars per. 

Mrs. R. I am very grateful to you for these gifts — the 
washing-machine, the dress, the cap, the handkerchief; but I 
am going to have you wear them when you turn the machine 
on Monday morning. 

Mr. R. Say, Clara, this is the limit. Do you think that I 
gave you that rotten stuff? Do you think that I ever saw that 
trash before ? 

Mrs. R. Remember the story of the dog. 

Mr. R. Ye gods ! I suppose that to the end of my mar- 
ried life I'll be reminded of the story of the dog. I'm an ass, 
but I have sense enough to know better than to think or look 
or touch things like that. I would look nice sending bric-a-brac 
of that kind to the bridal suite of the Sinton hotel. {Paces 
the floor.) Now I know that you've sized me up for a blooming 
idiot. 

Mrs. R. If you didn't send those things, who did? Only 
our friends in the city and mother know where we are stopping. 

Wait — there may have been a card {She rushes to the 

machine and looks over the papers and takes out a card. She 
reads.) Oh, John, forgive me. This was from Will, dreadful 
brother Will. I don't know what is the matter with me, but I 
am so irritable and nasty to you ever since we were married. 

Mr. R. It's not your fault, dearest. I think that you miss 
something after all ; perhaps a little tea ? 

Mrs. R. I will not acknowledge such a thing. 

Mr. R. {looking on table, picks up envelope that Mrs. R. 
threw there when the washing-machine arrived. He hands it 
to Mrs R.) Here is my gift. 

(Mrs. R. opens it and flies into his arms.) 

Mrs. R. Oh, John, just what I wanted above all things. 
{Kisses him. She rushes to the ^ phone.) Give me 728 

Black Yes Is that you, Claribel? I want to tell you 

that the washing-machine and so forth came from my dreadful 
brother Will, and that my husband's gift was a splendid grand 
piano; and I want you to go down and help me select it to- 
morrow. Tell Sadie to come, too. Is it not lovely? Yes, 

he is just a dear — dear man. {Puts up receiver.) Oh, John, 
yon don't know how much I love you. 

Mr. R. {sitting tuith hopeless stare and chewing something, 
and then hastily taking it out of his mouth and putting it in his 



20 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES* 

pocket when she turns away frotn 'phone). Oh, yes, it is 
a great comfort to hear you say so. 

Mrs. R. {sitting on floor at his side). Do you love me, 
John? 

Mr. R. Why not? 

Mrs. R. Oh, John {Knocking. Mrs. R. Jumps to 

her feet and stands expectant.) Come in. 

Enter Maid, c, timidly. 

Maid. Mrs. Hadley is waiting, marm. 

Mrs. R. And here you are, John, without your coat. You 
must not let her see you without a coat. (Mr. R. jumps to 
his feet and gazes about helplessly.) Don't you know where 
it is? 

Mr. R. Let me think. Did I have it on when I came in ? 

Mrs. R. Quick, John, she may be here any moment. Of 
course you had it on when you came in. (Mr. R. rims 
about the room; he looks under sofa.) What on earth are 
you always looking under that sofa for ? Of course you left it 
in the other room. 

Mr. R. {jumping up and rushing out, saying). Of course, 
my dear — of course. 

Mrs. R. {to Maid). How do I look? I have been weep- 
ing — with — a headache, you know. 

Maid. You look sort of upset, but nobody might notice it. 
Your left eyelid could stand a little more powder. 

(Maid touches her up, but stops quickly as Bell-boy opens 
door for Mrs. Hadley.) 

Enter Mrs. H., c, with large box under her ar7n. She puts 
dow7i the box on the table atid rushes into Mrs. R.'s 



Mrs. H. Oh, happy day — happy day. Clara, you are 
looking the very blushing bride that you are. Who would 
ever have thought it ? Married at last — at last. You must 
be nearly Thirty. I was talking with my husband about it last 
night. 

Mrs. R. You are looking just the same as ever, and I am 
delighted to see you. 

Mrs. H. I could hardly wait to get here, just as soon as I 
received your message. I came with my husband in his ma- 
chine. He was just starting for town, you know. Well, I 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES It 

suppose that he is just perfect. He is the noblest specimen of 
manhood born since the Flood. That is what brides are ex- 
pected to say, you know. 

Mrs. R. You may take it for granted that I have said it. 

Mrs. H. I have already sent out the invitations to an 
afternoon bridge and tea in your honor. You said that you 
were not engaged for to-morrow, you know. 

Mrs. R. I would like to go, but 

Mrs. H. But what? There must be no buts. You must 
come and meet your old friends and drink some of the good 
old brand of Ceylon tea. I am just on my way down-town to 
buy some. That reminds me. I have a present for you. (She 
goes to the table and opens a package. It contains a fine silver 
teapot.') Is it not a beauty ? 

Mrs. R. {going to table). It is simply lovely. How 
thoughtful and kind and generous of you, dear. I don't know 
how 1 can thank you — but 

Mrs. H. What, more buts? What is the matter with you, 
Clara ? 

Mrs. R. I do not think that I ought to accept it. 

Mrs. H. What ? Say that again. 

Mrs. R. {wiping her eyes). I — er — perhaps my husband 
might not think that it was right to 

Mrs. H. Your husband object to your receiving a wedding 
gift from me? What nonsense. 

Mrs. R. It is not exacdy that, but 

Mrs. H. But, but, but This is simply amazing — 

amazing Why, Clara, I thought that we had had so 

many delightful cups of tea together and you were always such 
a lover of tea that this would be the very thing. If you want 
anything else, just say so. 

Enter Mr. R. He stands apologetically at L. 

Mrs. R. {inuch relieved). Here is my husband, Mrs. 
Hadley. I want you to meet my husband, Mr. John Ruggles. 
Mrs. Hadley is one of my oldest friends. 

Mr. R. Mrs. Hadley, I hope that my wife's friends will be 
mine also. (Bows.) 

Mrs. H. There is no question about our liking one another, 
Mr. Ruggles ; I have heard such delightful things about you 
from Mr. Robert Brandon. I think you are members of the 
same club or something. 



22 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

Mr. R. It is a pleasure, indeed, to meet the friend of my 
old friend Robert Brandon. We have had many a good old 
smoking bee together. Will you not have some refreshment ? 

Mrs. H. So very thoughtful of you, Mr. Ruggles. -I came 
away in such a hurry that I had no time to drink my afternoon 
tea, and I know that I am in danger of a headache. 

Mr. R. I'll 'phone for tea. 

( Goes to 'phone and is heard ^ phoning for tea while Mrs. R. 
and Mrs. H. have the following conversation.') 

Mrs. H. He is really fine looking, Clara. 

Mrs. R. Of course he is. And he has absolutely no bad 
habits. 

Mrs. H. You mean he does not drink or use tobacco? 

Mrs. R. Not at all. 

Mrs. H. Dear me, a man who does not smoke I have 
always thought was a man with a weak stomach or a crank ; 
but he's all right. He looks well nourished and sensible. 

(Mr. R. turns away from the ^phofte.) 

Mr. R. It will be here in a moment. 

Mrs. H. I will have barely time to drink it. My husband 
is such an impatient man. I can tell, Clara, that your husband 
is the very model of patience. There is such a difference in 
men — such a difference. . 

Mr. R. It was very kind of you to call. In a strange city 
one appreciates the attention of friends. 

Mrs. H. Why, I just couldn't keep away. By the way, 
Clara is such a girl for tea, you know, that I gave her that tea- 
pot for a wedding present. You have no objections? 

Mr. R. Certainly not. I appreciate your kindness very 
much, Mrs. Hadley. {Walks over aiid looks at it.) 

Enter Maid tvith tea, c. She goes to table and pours tea. 
Mrs. H. sips her cup, but Mrs. R. does not touch hers. 

Mrs. H. Why are you not drinking your tea? 
Mrs. R. I have such a headache. . 
Mrs. H. Nonsense ! it is just the thing to cure it. 
Mr. R. It will do you good, my dear. 
Mrs. R. I believe that I will just take a little of it. It 
smells awfully good. 

{She sips it, and then drinks the whole cup ivith a relish.) 



A ROW AT THE RUGGLES' 23 

Mrs. H. There. {She finishes her tea.) I must rush 
away or Mr. Hadley will not wait for me. Come to my house 
for dinner at six-thirty to-morrow night, Mr. Ruggles. Your 
wife is coming to afternoon tea and bridge. 

(^The usual good-byes and exit Mrs. H.) 

Mrs. R. {standifig tensely in the middle of the floor). John, 
I ought to be ashamed of myself. I have broken that pledge. 
If any one had told me I would be so weak I would not have 
believed him. How can you have any respect for me? 

(^Goes to sofa and lies down, overcome with grief. Mr. R. 
takes out a box of cigars and places it in the centre of the 
table. He puts teapot on cigar box.) 

Mr. R. Clara. (Mrs. ^. rises and looks at table.) Clara, 
here is the box of cigars and the teapot. What hours of hap- 
piness are represented here for us both by these signs. 

Mrs. R. What do you mean, John? 

Mr. R. Are we going to go through life cutting out two of 
the great means of social communion and inward satisfaction ? 
You are ill because of your effort to keep that pledge. Does 
not your head feel better already ? 

Mrs. R. Yes, John 

Mr. R. Why have we been so irritable all day? Why 
have you acted as you have to me, and I have acted as I have 
to you ? Is it worth while to spoil our honeymoon and rack 
our nerves because of some puritanical or ascetic ideals that 
really don't count for much in real life except to furnish the 
substance for criticism by the natural censors of society ? 

(Mr. R. pours her another cup of tea. She leans over his 
shoulder while he is doing it. She coyly kisses his cheek.) 

Mrs. R. John, I bet you have a cigar in your pocket. 

Mr. R. Say, Clara, you have second sight. You make 
me feel nervous. (Mrs. R. lights a 7natch.) Take it out. 
{He takes it out.) Put it in your mouth. {He puts it in his 
mouth. She holds up the match.) Now puff. 

{He puffs. Mr. R. offers tea ivith low bow. She sits at 
table facing audience with Mr. R. close beside her. She 
leans on the table and sloivly sips her tea tvith evidejit sat' 
isfactwn.) 



24 A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

Mrs. R. Say, John, pretend — that we never made any 
pledge at all. 

Mr. R. Let's wipe it right off the slate. 

Mrs. R. Let your moderation be known to all men. I am 
going to use tea moderately. I think I'll just drink at after- 
noon teas. 

Mr. R. But I am afraid that you'll be away every after- 
noon. 

Mrs. R. {happily). Oh, you tease. John, I suppose that 
you will not care for more than one cigar a week ? 

Mr. R. One cigar a week ? one cigar or so will do me. 

Mrs. R. {gradually lea?nng over on his shoulder and clos- 
ing her eyes). John, that cigar smells good. Do you enjoy it ? 

Mr. R. It puts me in peace with you and all the world. 

Mrs. R. And I feel so happy and restful since — you 
know 

{Taps her cup and looks up at him with a sjjiile.') 



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